then JUMP

yea. it's a saturday afternoon in The Hook. i'm listening to Maximo Park and it's pretty cold out there today. The Doppleganger Radar says we're through with rain for a minute, but i only saw a few drops anyway.

there was a time when someone said to me there are phases to an emotional upset that come in very distinct flavors. I forget the order, but it was something like:

1) Shock
2) Dazed Shock
3) Denial
4) Sleepless nights (aka: tossing and turning)
5) Confusion
6) Fear
7) Anger (aka: smoldering rage)
8) Rage
9) Action (typically revenge, drinking or drug use, or a flagrant string of rebounds)
10) Recovery

In my case, i'm not sure in which order the sequencing is taking place, but i have experienced the shock, dazed shock, drinking & drug use, sleepless nights, confusion, more shock, some sadness (which is not on the list), and recently fear, and most recently, Anger.

I am not sure if the fear and the anger are related, but i have a sense they are familiar with each other on a cosmic level. Fear and Anger seem to be hand in hand skipping through the park in most of the test models i've created in my mind's eye.

A little over a month ago, i was fired from my job at the studio, no warning, no compromises, no discussion, and as far as i can see, no reason. (at least nothing that actually makes sense, and i'm pretty sharp) However, it wasn't until a few days ago when i went to the pharmacy to refill the prescription for my happy pills, when the nice woman told me that although i had several refills on the prescription, they are no longer covered by my insurance, because it seems i no longer have it, that i began to fully comprehend the solidity and forcefulness with which this has all transpired.

it's not just about losing a job. regardless of whether you like the job or the people who work there. it has nothing to do with having your circle of friends yanked from your daily good times schedule. it isn't about the fact you have to get back out there and start from scratch with the old, "i was just fired" look on your face. Not even having to rework the resume that you had let ride since you were fairly secure, or at least thought you were secure in your position, it's something else.

it's little things that you don't even notice at first. It's like if you've lost your wallet in the taxi cab. i mean, at first you're pissed about your ATM card and your ID, and just being stupid enough to lose it in the cab, but after a day or two, it begins to soak in that the spare key to your girlfriend's apartment was tucked in there. Your convenient supply of guitar picks from numerous concerts are hidden in there too. There's a bit of anger about having to deal with the DMV about a replacement, and the banks too, but i think it's more that something that was always close to your right hand has been YOINKED from your world. I suppose losing your wallet in a taxi isn't a good analogy. it's more like getting mugged for your wallet when you've just come from the ATM.

You don't realize how angry you are that you got mugged for a day or two. You're just happy to be alive and happy you didn't get a machete slash across the bridge of your nose for your hello kitty wallet.

Well. back to the anger. With me, i went out with the old boss one night, and he explained to me why i was fired. (see also: not a sound september 29, 2005 in my blog archives) And at some point during our talk, he asked me if i was angry, and at the time, i wasn't, so i told him i wasn't. And he told me he wished i would be angry, or get pissed about it or something, but the fact is, i think i was still simply too shocked to even begin to imagine how to be angry about it. Have you ever felt like this? You are so completely blown away by the news like say, you've just had your arm chopped off, that you can't even think about being angry that it was your jack ass friend's stupid idea to try a chainsaw juggling contest.

No. See? that doesn't work either... because ultimately it's YOU who chose to juggle the chainsaws. This is different. But either way, (well, unless your friend was juggling the chainsaws, and he fucking hits you with one, THEN i guess it would be similar to this)

anyway, i'm falling off track here. My point is, I felt it man. I felt the anger. it's like lava in the bottom of the volcano, down in the depths. it's a hot molten anger. My concern is it seems to border on rage and it's not even come up the funnel yet. A part of me thinks it has to do with the lapse on happy pills, but you know? the human body is a pretty stout machine. Mine is anyway. it can take a ridiculous amount of pressure from all sides, mental, physical, metaphysical, it doesn't matter. I'm resilient, but somehow, this particular anger is something that has no way to escape. There's no lid to lift.

I think this is because i tend to bunch things that make me angry all together. So getting fired from my job is the same thing as FEMA bungling the 911 investigation, the several hundred thousand orphans borne of rape in the Bosnian/Serbian incident, the lack of a timely response to the Rawandan Genocide, the loss of John Kerry to ASS FACE BUSH, cops more interested in giving parking tickets than getting crack dealers off the street, People going to jail for 30 years with no chance at parole for dealing pot while a man convicted of murder can get out in 7 years on good behavior. The lack of an aircraft or any of the people or their luggage found at the scene of the pentagon "crash", and a plethora of other things.

Last night i saw a trailer for a video that's out, and it was the first time i had seen a video that was done right. I mean, about this particular topic, (the 911 topic) it's not all flashy and smothered with exlamation points. it just asks the questions. What If...? and it's done well. because you know what? They're only questions. I'd sure like to know. i mean, what if?!

And seeing that little trailer reminded me of how angry i really am about all of this. And suddenly being fired from my job seems like the most miniscule thing there could possibly be in this world. And it makes me angry that i'm angry about it at all. So there you go. I've started down this road where i think about all of the things that have poked my brain over the past few years, and i try to organize them in a way that is clear and timely, and i come up with things like this:

YOUR FIRED

1) I spent my savings on vacation
2) I was fired 2 days before my vacation ended
3) No one seems to understand WHY i was fired
4) I have to find another job
5) I no longer have health insurance
6) I no longer have 401k or retirement benefits
7) I don't get to see my friends so much, since i no longer work there
8) Being fired upsets my girlfriend
9) My girlfriend being upset makes me upset
10) No more paycheck

to which i can respond to each by saying, "big deal! get over it."

REGARDING 911

1) why is no one able to do anything about this?
2) Fema does not explain the collapse of tower 7
3) Government sells off all steel from WTC before an investigation of their collapse.
4) No video footage of a 757 striking the pentagon. THE PENTAGON.

you know what? that's boring. I could go on and on. That's the point. LOTS of things can make a fella angry. Somebody stole your pop-tart. Leggo my Eggo and all that jazz. The thing is, once I realized i was feeling angry again, i got MORE angry, because it's all just a bunch of effing bee ess.

it's not going to fix anything by writing it all down. Only looks like i'm tooting some horn. and for what? Because if i say what makes me angry, somebody's going to come and fix it? Because if i get it out of my system it will go away?

oh, i don't think so.

things happen, and they might make you angry. All that 911 stuff makes me really angry. The president of the united states makes me very angry. getting fired also makes me quite angry. Losing sleep over it at night also makes me more angry, and the smell of a catbox still makes me angry.

but seriously. what can i do about it?

what can YOU do about it?

maybe that's what i'm getting at. I feel like we're all powerless to those kinds of things anyway. it's out of our hands. Catboxes stink. Sometimes you get fired. Sometimes the president of the united states creates a war for no reason at all.

fix yourself a drink, and see what the good lord has coming down the pipe for you next. that's all i can think of really. Surely, with all this going on around the world, there MUST be a reason.

People always say to me about this getting canned thing, they say, "You know, a door closes and a window opens..." That's very touching. Who says i wanted to go crawling through some window?! Do i look like a burgler?!

now, about the pictures. there's some stuff from when we went out to connecticut and retired a brand new trofeo maserati. (i guess they don't like break-stands... they're supposed to get some air...) Nice machine, but they should design one that doesn't get so hot if you want to act like a highschool kid who just got a new corvette for his birthday.

I also have some images from the other night when i went to Tom & Jerry's with Mio, and we watched the marathon man. Wow. it's been a while since i've seen that one. Good movie man. really. I liked that they played the movie with subtitles on so you could chat it up, and still know what's going on in the film. And then, following those images i have some from Terror Attack 2005 the great subway fire of october 21. A real eye opener for those of us who ever wonder where all that money went to make things safer in the subways.

and some other stuff too, like the day i went out to Prospect Park to toss the frisbee around with JT, and surely there are other things i can't think of right now because i've been fuming over this whole 911 thing again. I think what i need to do is figure out a way to dedicate more time to getting that story back on the front page. I appreciate all of the research sites and stuff, but they're too hippy. too "where a button that says, 'the only bush i trust is my own' and the problems will go away!" YEAY!!! ride your bike on the last friday of the month, and surely the president will pull out of iraq. (and so on)

There simply HAS to be a way to get this done. Of all the books out there on the subject, NONE of them have brought the administration to task over the entire 911 disaster. everyone says, "NEVER FORGET" i see the stickers on the cars, the little yellow ribbons, the custom graphics tinted into the windows, but i don't see anyone asking for answers on the nightly news. I don't see it on the front page of the new york times. Hell, i don't even see it on Aljazeera.

would anyone like to work with me on producing a good looking story about this? I want it to be just as slick as fox news. I want it to look like the real deal, because it IS the real deal. Isn't there a media company or somebody with a nice DV cam that would like to really make some waves about 911? Doesn't it bother you that here it is, 4 years later, and still no osama, in fact they aren't even looking for him? The investigation is long since closed on how 3 steel structured sky scrapers just collapsed because of a few small fires and within only a few hours?

i mean, i feel like chicken-little over here. it's like i'm always trying to bring people to the light, to just look at what happened, and then stand up and say something about it, and in the end, i just sound like a whacked out kooky "conspiracy theorist" and then we go to war with Syria. and then Iran. and still nobody says anything, except, "did you see the new Hummer H4?" or "did you see Pimp My Ride?!"

come on.

There's gotta be a way.
who's with me?

Lemme know. (or, just look at the pictures. that's cool.)
52˚ and cloudy